Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Why do I insist on eating it, even though I KNOW it's going to make me feel sick almost immediately after I've finished it?

Why did the baby have to drop already, making me feel like I have to poop 24/7, and making it near impossible to do anything that involves moving my body? You don't play poop games with pregnant ladies, baby - pooping is a luxury, don't you understand that? Besides - one of the medicines I'm taking has a label that states that I should not be alarmed if bowel movements are red while taking this medication. *I* want to poop red!! (said aloud in my best Veruca Salt voice)

Why in the world did I agree to a play date? I swore I'd never do the play date thing. I'm too lacking in self-confidence, far too shy and feel too inferior to other women. I get nervous and sweaty talking to other people - especially other mothers - and I'll probably wind up making her hate me and making her kid hate my kid. Mommy brain + pregnancy brain = inability to string together words to form coherent sentences (funny how many times I had to retype that for it to make sense), thus making you look, sound, and feel like an idiot. The mom is nice, though, and I know baby boy needs to learn to be around other little gents his age. Maybe I'll take some cough syrup before I go, just to take the edge off. I'm kidding. KIDDING. Kind of.

Why do I always look like a bad tan-in-a-bottle gone wrong when I try to apply translucent loose powder to my face in an attempt to make me look a little less like the undead dead? I'm 31 - I should be skilled in applying makeup by now.

Why do my eyebrows never match when I pluck them?

Why do guys turn into jerks when in a sports setting? I took baby boy out today and had to stand in line at an ice rink to find out where the play area for little gents was. One guys was on the phone, and there were two other guys behind the window talking. You know the kind of guy I'm talking about - meathead, fancy chain and fancier cologne, thinks he's God's gift but in reality probably has a really, really small penis. I'm standing there for a good 5 minutes, holding my really heavy kid so that he doesn't run all over the place, as well as hauling a diaper bag that surely must've weighed 30 pounds. I'm guessing that if I were a foot taller, hot, unpregnant, and had 38D's that weren't in the process of getting ready to lactate...they would've been all too eager to assist me. Bastards. That's the kind of guy I don't want baby boy growing up to be. If I were a single gal and all guys were like that then I'd be a lesbian for sure. Or if Angelina Jolie walked up to me and said, "Hey baby, let's make out." Then, you know...whatever.

1 comment:

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

omg, i'm laughing SO HARD... and...i...can't...really...tell you what exactly i'm laughing at... just f-ing hilarious!

perhaps it's the translucent powder thing. i get that! i have often caught myself in the sideview mirror of my car and said to myself, WTF was i thinking when i put this stuff on!? i thought i was hot?! what's with the BAGS under the eyes?! we're talking $50 in extra baggage - not just carry-on. once, i took a q-tip and tried SO HARD to remove the black shit from under my eyes....... until i realized - it isn't coming off! IT'S PERMANENT!

love you, mckenzie... can't wait until your little one arrives! :)