Good Friday

Not for Jesus, and not in our house, either.

The scene last night:
Our living room. Mama is lying on the couch because the fetus has taken up residence in her right rib cage and she's in a bit of pain. Hubs is sitting on the couch. Baby boy horsing around on his little Elmo couch, a little too close to the entertainment center for mama's comfort.
Mama: He's going to crack his head open!
Hubs: Noooo. He's fine!

Thirty seconds later...literally....
Baby boy crashes head first into the metal knob of the entertainment center. Baby boy starts to scream. Baby boy has a small gash on his forehead, and it's bleeding. And deep.

I said he'd need stitches. Hubs said no. The doctor was called, and we were told he'd probably need stitches - take him to the ER. Long story short, Mama was right...as usual...and my brave baby boy left the ER with the glue sutures and steri-strips. Thank goodness no thread stitches. We had to wake him up every 2-3 hours last night to make sure he was easily roused. Fun times for all.

The scene today:
My cardiologist's office. Routine follow-up visit. Resting heart rate is very high. Doctor tells me that I'm at risk for an enlarged heart and heart failure if it runs this high consistently. I'll have another echocardiogram in a month and if it looks like my heart is "tired," or not functioning properly then I'll be put on medication to give it a rest and we'll "figure some things out."

I felt my world shatter today. I'm terrified. I'm depressed. I'm angry. It's days like this that I want to throw my religion and what little faith I have left out the window. Leave me alone, God. Pick on someone who isn't a young mother. Pick on someone who has lived her life, who doesn't have years and years ahead of her.

I'm terrified that my heart's going to go kaput. That I'll die in my 30s or 40s. That my husband will get remarried to someone who isn't worthy of even knowing my children. That my children won't grow to know their mother, that they won't know that the heart that took their mother away from them once swelled with more love for them than she ever thought existed.

Shit.