Friday, March 21, 2008

Good Friday

Not for Jesus, and not in our house, either.

The scene last night:
Our living room. Mama is lying on the couch because the fetus has taken up residence in her right rib cage and she's in a bit of pain. Hubs is sitting on the couch. Baby boy horsing around on his little Elmo couch, a little too close to the entertainment center for mama's comfort.
Mama: He's going to crack his head open!
Hubs: Noooo. He's fine!

Thirty seconds later...literally....
Baby boy crashes head first into the metal knob of the entertainment center. Baby boy starts to scream. Baby boy has a small gash on his forehead, and it's bleeding. And deep.

I said he'd need stitches. Hubs said no. The doctor was called, and we were told he'd probably need stitches - take him to the ER. Long story short, Mama was usual...and my brave baby boy left the ER with the glue sutures and steri-strips. Thank goodness no thread stitches. We had to wake him up every 2-3 hours last night to make sure he was easily roused. Fun times for all.

The scene today:
My cardiologist's office. Routine follow-up visit. Resting heart rate is very high. Doctor tells me that I'm at risk for an enlarged heart and heart failure if it runs this high consistently. I'll have another echocardiogram in a month and if it looks like my heart is "tired," or not functioning properly then I'll be put on medication to give it a rest and we'll "figure some things out."

I felt my world shatter today. I'm terrified. I'm depressed. I'm angry. It's days like this that I want to throw my religion and what little faith I have left out the window. Leave me alone, God. Pick on someone who isn't a young mother. Pick on someone who has lived her life, who doesn't have years and years ahead of her.

I'm terrified that my heart's going to go kaput. That I'll die in my 30s or 40s. That my husband will get remarried to someone who isn't worthy of even knowing my children. That my children won't grow to know their mother, that they won't know that the heart that took their mother away from them once swelled with more love for them than she ever thought existed.


1 comment:

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

mckenzie, let me start this off by saying that i am really bad at saying the right thing when my friends (virtual or standing right next to me) are having a bad day, are pissed off at life, had to spend the night in the ER while their son got stitches... pretty much any time.

having said that, let me give you my advice and opinions for what they are worth.

re: the stitches thing, i'm so sorry that your little man had to go through that. my son was ~18mos old when it happened to him for the first time... then there was the pneumonia and the hernia operation... at least it's over with!

re: the heart thing, you're only 31 and are not going to die anytime soon. i'm psychic like that. you are going to live a long and full life and watch your children grow... and grow... and grow (said like dorothy the dinosaur from the wiggles)

re: religion, don't get me started. but enjoy your easter weekend! things will get better and easier, and you will get healthy again... and then you will have a beautiful and bouncing baby girl to show for it!