Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving to all...

...and to all a good turkey.

Wishing all of my readers a very happy Thanksgiving. Make you all have plenty to be thankful for. I know I do.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I was tagged by my friend Elisabeth. These are fun.

8 things I’m passionate about:
1. Being a good wife
2. Being a good mother
3. Making sure my family is happy and healthy
4. Napping children
5. Getting enough sleep
6. My faith
7. Holiday traditions
8. Cooking

8 things that happened yesterday:
1. Disconnected the Holter monitor and turned it in.
2. Went to a cake decorating class.
3. Went to Target.
4. Made fabulous towers with Mega Blocks.
5. Read some of my new book.
6. Reconnected with a few old friends on Facebook.
7. Made a fabulous dinner.
8. Watched Private Practice.

8 things I do now:
1. Stay at home Mom
2. Battle with my children to get to sleep
3. Worry about way too many things
4. Spend way too much time on Facebook when the children are asleep.
5. Manage the $$
6. Wish I had more $$ to manage.
7. Do a happy dance when both children are asleep
8. Relax when given the opportunity in the afternoons

8 things I can not do:
1. Talk to doctors on the phone. I have some kind of phobia, so I make Hubs do it.
2. Clean the bathroom. It makes me gag.
3. Get through a day without worrying.
4. Get through a day without checking my e-mail and/or Facebook.
5. Eat pork.
6. Drink Bolthouse Farms Green Goodness. Never, ever again.
7. Win at Scrabble, despite my extensive vocabulary.
8. Let a baby truly cry it out. I've tried and failed.

8 things I often say:
1. Go to sleep, Savannah.
2. Don't touch that, Nat.
3. I SAID don't TOUCH that!
4. Hubs, could you (fill in the blank).
5. I love you Hubs/Nat/Savannah.
6. Dude
7. What?/Excuse me?
8. I'm hungry.

8 favorite TV shows:
1. Lost
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. How I Met Your Mother
4. Big Bang Theory

8 favorite foods:
1. My mom's cinnamon buns
2. Lobster
3. A good salad
4. A good bacon cheeseburger with BBQ sauce
5. French onion soup
6. Any sandwich from Carluccio's in Brooklyn
7. Pizza from Lombardi's in NYC
8. My grandmother's pizza/white bread. :(

8 things you may not have known about me:
1. I used to be quite funny. One of my greatest accomplishments, other than birthing 2 beautiful children, was performing on the stage at UCBT in NYC on the same stage as Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and other fabulously funny people.
2. I've never felt more free and more alive as I did when I lived in NYC. I miss it.
3. I have an inferiority complex.
4. I'm not adept at making and maintaining friendships. I wish I could be.
5. I once marched with Nancy Regan in a Just Say No parade.
6. I sang with Mitch Miller when I was in the fifth grade, and believe there's a record album out there with my voice on it.
7. I was cast in 2 films when I lived in NYC. One was a bust and probably never made it beyond the cutting room. The other was a huge hit, but I wasn't in it.
8. I will never forgive myself for not being able to adequately breastfeed my children.

I quit

I'm depressed. I feel lousy. Every. Single. Day. I was hopeful that a diagnosis of Hashimoto's and an increase in my medication would cure everything, make me feel 100%. Not so. I started at 125 mcg of levothyroxine and wound up with chest pain and palpitations and had the dosage dropped to 100 mcg. I feel worse on 100 than I did on 125. I am still having daily headaches. I've had a headache all day every day for the last 6 months. Add to the mix vertigo, nausea, and the occasional palpitation and shortness of breath, and there you have it - my day. I have so many -ologists under my belt that I'm sure I must've beaten a record somewhere. I'm currently wearing a Holter monitor to see if there is any indication of atrial fibrillation, which is apparently common in patients with thyroid disease. I also have a congenital heart defect which makes me prone to headaches, but one would think that I'd have had these symptoms long before having Savannah.

I'm scared. I'm sad. I feel like I'm being let down. I would love to just wake up one morning and feel good and not be scared and actually have the energy to sit and play with my kids the way any good mom would do. I'm so scared. A good Christian would give up her fear to God and be assured that He was taking care of her and would ensure that she will, in fact, be around for a long long time to see her babies have babies. But I can't do that. I don't know how.

I can't get through a day without crying. Without imagining a horrible scenario that includes my kids but doesn't include me.

My thyroid ultrasound came back negative. That's a good thing and I'm thankful for that. Hashimoto's is really wreaking havoc on my body, though. My hair is so brittle that it's breaking. And falling out. I once had thick, long, luxurious locks. Not so much anymore. My skin is so dry that it hurts to clench my fists. I'm fat. Post-baby fat, and I'm not gaining weight, but the fat isn't going anywhere. From what I've read, it's terribly difficult to lose weight when you have Hashimoto's, despite exhaustive efforts. Fabulous. I feel ugly. I'm forgetful. I usually stop mid-sentence to try to remember what point I was trying to make. I can't remember simple words. Once upon a time I was intelligent. Today? I'm lucky if I can get through a sentence without transposing words. I feel stupid. I'm having horrible mood swings. Worse than those that come with pregnancy. I feel like a bitch, and a horrible human being. I'm pretty sure it's making Nathanael hate me, because he loves to say "No love Mama" and tells me "no kiss" when I try to kiss him. Never did I think he'd break my heart, and never did I think my heart was capable of hurting the way it does when he says those things.

I don't know what direction to turn to next. The PCP says it's out of his hands. The neurologist says that there is, indeed, suspicious material on my brain, but it's not a tumor, it could be MS, but he just doesn't think so. The endocrinologist confirms that I do, in fact, have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, but tells me that it's incredibly unlikely that it's the reason behind the headaches (despite the fact that I've read on many message boards that people with HT suffer from chronic daily headaches) and says that he's not comfortable blaming the cardiac events on the thyroid. The cardiologist straps a monitor on me, hands me some samples, and ignores my question about a relationship between thyroid disease and mitral valve prolapse syndrome, a condition I happen to have every single symptom of.

I feel lost. I feel disappointed. I know this is not in my head - blood tests and radiological tests are confirming that for me. Why can't we figure this out? Why does every single day have to be spent feeling awful? I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy and was truly able to just sit and enjoy the day, my family, life in general. I pray every day for answers. For a sign that I'll be okay. For some kind of reassurance that I'm not going to leave my children without a mother. But I don't feel like I'm getting anything in return. This is why I left my faith on the back burner many years ago.

I just want to be okay. I want to know that I'm going to be okay. I want to stop being scared and sad and feeling sorry for myself and be the mom that I know my babies need and deserve. I just need things to be normal. I just want to be okay.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

6 months

Dear Savannah -

Is it possible that half of a year has flown by so quickly? How can you possibly be 6 months old today? This time 6 months ago, I had just sent you back to the nursery with your daddy for the night, in pain and uncomfortable from surgery, and floating on Cloud 9 from finally getting to meet my baby girl. We hadn't picked your name yet, so we were just calling you "Baby Girl." I had my heart set on naming you Norah, but when you came out you looked nothing like a Norah, and that threw me for a loop.

You amaze me, Savannah. How you function on so little sleep is beyond me, and you are always smiling, always happy. You adore your big brother, and you so badly want to do everything he does. You want to get down and play with him. You want whatever he's eating. You are obsessed with his cup. You watch everything he does, and you look at him with such adoring eyes that it melts my heart.

You are a wonderful eater. Overnight, it seems, you have taken to solid foods with a liking that I've never seen in a baby before. You can't pile in the squash and carrots quickly enough, and you let me know that you're not happy when I don't move fast enough for you.

You are getting so close to crawling already - you can scooch yourself in every direction but haven't officially taken that first crawling move yet. Any day now, though, and Mama's not sure that she's ready for you to be mobile yet!

You love the song "There Was An Old Lady..." and "Hush, Little Baby," and you love for me to sing the chapi chapo song to you while you're eating. You're so silly and so much fun. You're a hit every week at church, constantly amusing and drawing smiles and laughter from the people around us, most often the result of the fabulous raspberries you blow.

You're such a joy, Savannah. You frustrate the living daylights out of me in a way that only a daughter can to her mother, but you have completed our family and I'm thankful every day for you and I love you.

Monday, November 10, 2008


The 70-degree weather is finally gone. The above pictures were taken on Friday - today is Monday - and the high had reached 76 in this part of the state. This morning there was snow on the ground when we woke up. Gross. I'll carry fond memories of the warm months of 2008 with me for always. Memories of watching Nat discover bugs and the fun of digging in the mud and playing in his water table and coloring with chalk on the driveway and learning to ride his little bike. Of playing on his outside toy from Gran and Grandpa's Mustache. Of his obsession with spiders and crickets. I wonder if he'll enjoy these same things next year, or if a little bit of that sweetness, a little bit of that innocence will be gone. I'll remember Savannah dozing in the hot hot July heat, outside on her blanket, with the warm summer breeze blowing around her. I'll remember the look of wonder on her face when she first noticed leaves blowing on the trees. The look of determination on her face when watching her brother play, wishing that she could get down and run around with him, too. These kids will never remember the joy they brought me this summer, but I will. For always.
I've gotten some more answers as to what has been causing me to feel awful since having Savannah. I have Hashimoto's Disease, as well as Vitamin D and Vitamin B12 deficiencies. Fun times. I have an ultrasound of my thyroid scheduled for this week because the endocrinologist feels an abnormality, which may or may not be the result of Hashimoto's. This ultrasound will rule out a goiter, nodules, and thyroid cancer. I'm nervous, obviously, but don't appear to have the classic symptoms of a goiter or cancer. I'll just be glad when it's over.
I'm excited that the holiday season is fast approaching. Although he doesn't fully get it this year, Nat will have more of an understanding of the season, and I imagine a lot of fun will be had. We plan to spend Thanksgiving at our home, and then to my parents' home for Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day. I remember being horribly morning sick during the holidays last year, so it will be nice to just be able to relax and have fun and enjoy everything this year.
On a side note, please don't buy Yogi Tea Green Tea with Pomegranate. It tastes like feet.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Birthday weekend

How a 2-year-old's birthday can turn into a weekend-long event is beyond me, but it did. A good time was had by all, though, and that's all that matters. The actual birthday was on Halloween, and he was greeted by Cookie Monster blue streamers hanging all over the house. After a breakfast of homemade birthday waffles, it was time to open presents. If there is a diecast Cars car he doesn't have I'll be shocked. It looks like Disney-Pixar threw up in my house. Mack the Truck was a favorite gift as well. We went to Chuck E Cheese for lunch - our first time there - and seeing his little eyes light up when we went in was worth the obscene amount of money they charge you for food (and I use that term loosely) and tokens. Dinner was at home, followed by cake #1, and then we sat outside and handed out candy to the trick-or-treaters.

Birthday party on Saturday, held at a children's museum that he loves and that we have a membership to. Family and friends came from all around to help us celebrate. Nat had a blast, but I have to say that the highlight of the day for me was displaying the Cookie Monster cake I baked and decorated. :)

The celebration seemed to continue yesterday when we decided to bid adieu to the Zanzibar jungle themed bedroom and turn it into a Cars-themed big boy room. Oddly enough, it was that process that made me realize that I can't really call him a baby anymore - even though I will - and that he is, in fact, a big boy.

Some pictures:
Last day as a one year old!
The cutest scarecrow ever
Mmm - birthday waffles!

Quite possibly the best pumpkin I've ever carved.

Cookie Monster cake for party day

The favorite CEC attraction.
Digging in the rice table at the museum w/ Auntie Alex
Making a wish while blowing out the candles on party day.
Savannah and Daddy at the party