Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I quit

I'm depressed. I feel lousy. Every. Single. Day. I was hopeful that a diagnosis of Hashimoto's and an increase in my medication would cure everything, make me feel 100%. Not so. I started at 125 mcg of levothyroxine and wound up with chest pain and palpitations and had the dosage dropped to 100 mcg. I feel worse on 100 than I did on 125. I am still having daily headaches. I've had a headache all day every day for the last 6 months. Add to the mix vertigo, nausea, and the occasional palpitation and shortness of breath, and there you have it - my day. I have so many -ologists under my belt that I'm sure I must've beaten a record somewhere. I'm currently wearing a Holter monitor to see if there is any indication of atrial fibrillation, which is apparently common in patients with thyroid disease. I also have a congenital heart defect which makes me prone to headaches, but one would think that I'd have had these symptoms long before having Savannah.

I'm scared. I'm sad. I feel like I'm being let down. I would love to just wake up one morning and feel good and not be scared and actually have the energy to sit and play with my kids the way any good mom would do. I'm so scared. A good Christian would give up her fear to God and be assured that He was taking care of her and would ensure that she will, in fact, be around for a long long time to see her babies have babies. But I can't do that. I don't know how.

I can't get through a day without crying. Without imagining a horrible scenario that includes my kids but doesn't include me.

My thyroid ultrasound came back negative. That's a good thing and I'm thankful for that. Hashimoto's is really wreaking havoc on my body, though. My hair is so brittle that it's breaking. And falling out. I once had thick, long, luxurious locks. Not so much anymore. My skin is so dry that it hurts to clench my fists. I'm fat. Post-baby fat, and I'm not gaining weight, but the fat isn't going anywhere. From what I've read, it's terribly difficult to lose weight when you have Hashimoto's, despite exhaustive efforts. Fabulous. I feel ugly. I'm forgetful. I usually stop mid-sentence to try to remember what point I was trying to make. I can't remember simple words. Once upon a time I was intelligent. Today? I'm lucky if I can get through a sentence without transposing words. I feel stupid. I'm having horrible mood swings. Worse than those that come with pregnancy. I feel like a bitch, and a horrible human being. I'm pretty sure it's making Nathanael hate me, because he loves to say "No love Mama" and tells me "no kiss" when I try to kiss him. Never did I think he'd break my heart, and never did I think my heart was capable of hurting the way it does when he says those things.

I don't know what direction to turn to next. The PCP says it's out of his hands. The neurologist says that there is, indeed, suspicious material on my brain, but it's not a tumor, it could be MS, but he just doesn't think so. The endocrinologist confirms that I do, in fact, have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, but tells me that it's incredibly unlikely that it's the reason behind the headaches (despite the fact that I've read on many message boards that people with HT suffer from chronic daily headaches) and says that he's not comfortable blaming the cardiac events on the thyroid. The cardiologist straps a monitor on me, hands me some samples, and ignores my question about a relationship between thyroid disease and mitral valve prolapse syndrome, a condition I happen to have every single symptom of.

I feel lost. I feel disappointed. I know this is not in my head - blood tests and radiological tests are confirming that for me. Why can't we figure this out? Why does every single day have to be spent feeling awful? I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy and was truly able to just sit and enjoy the day, my family, life in general. I pray every day for answers. For a sign that I'll be okay. For some kind of reassurance that I'm not going to leave my children without a mother. But I don't feel like I'm getting anything in return. This is why I left my faith on the back burner many years ago.

I just want to be okay. I want to know that I'm going to be okay. I want to stop being scared and sad and feeling sorry for myself and be the mom that I know my babies need and deserve. I just need things to be normal. I just want to be okay.


Samantha said...

McKenzie, I am so sorry you feel so sad. It is easy for me to say "hang in there!" but I don't feel the kind of physical and emotional pain you do.

Heavenly Father loves you. I know that from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes the answer to prayer comes when you least expect it. Don't give up on Him. Keep on having faith, even if it is a struggle and doesn't feel like much.

Look for one small thing that made you happy each day, and hang on to it.

I hope I don't sound like one of those Pollyanna types. I hate it sometimes when I am feeling depressed and I get that kind of advice. Take it as you wish. I will be thinking of you and praying for you to feel peace and happiness.

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

okay, so i'm not gonna get religious, but i will say some stuff. :)

i'm sorry you feel like shit. i can't imagine feeling the way you do on a daily basis. it sucks that you have HT, a heart condition, and possibly MS. and i think MY life sucks when my asshole husband doesn't do shit he's supposed to do. yep, in the grand scheme of things, i guess i have it pretty good...

...so let's focus on the positive... from what i can tell, you have a great relationship with your mother. and, based on personal experience, that is the greatest thing in the world. also, you have two absolutely beautiful children and a pretty cool husband (from what i can tell) in your life. once your -ologists get your shit figured out and your babies get a bit older and more self-contained, you can go back to work! because you have degrees and knowledge and stuff. and you are going to be in your babies lives for a really long time, don't doubt that.

(sorry if i didn't help... :)

Bakersfunnyfarm said...

Sorry you're feeling so sad sweetie. Wish I had some magic words but I do think Sam has a good point...one that I live by. Every single day I find something, no matter how small, to look forward to and enjoy, even if it's nothing but curling up in the bed at night to sleep.

He may not give the answers we want when we want them (I learned that lesson the hard way recently :-) but that still small voice will give you comfort, you just have to be willing to listen and wait for it.

I wish I could tell you how to hand it all over to God but I'm not so good at that myself, sometimes. Know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you and regardless of what anyone else says, there IS power in prayer.

kate said...

I feel terrible you don't feel well. I suffer from a chronic auto immune disorder that can mimic a lot of things. I have had a prolapsed mitro valve but it somehow healed itself over time. My best suggestion would be to read positive stories about people who have overcome sickness. I feel it has helped me at times. I do suffer from depression from time to time especially recently. The best you can do is go out get some sunshine and fresh air and maybe take some vitamin c and eat broccoli. Can possibly help with depression. Good Luck. From a fellow worrier.

wordnerd said...


I found your blog from your post about Dr. Karen Giardino. I see from this recent post that you have found another endocrinologist? Would you mind sharing who, if you like this person better than Dr Giardino? I have gone to her in the past after the first two endos I saw were horrible jerks who treated me like crap. She seemed like a good doctor in comparison...