On multiple children:
My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six. ~Bill Cosby
I can see how parents get tricked into going from one child to two, but really - WHY would anyone choose to have more than two children? Are you gluttons for punishment? I always thought I wanted a big family, but I'm quite certain that I'd be driven insane. Have you ever had an opportunity to view Bill Cosby: Himself? If so, think back to the portion of the program where Cosby refers to motherhood making a woman crazy, and explaining how his wife - once an intelligent, sane woman - became a nut job after the birth of her children - talking to herself and adopting a crazy look in her eyes. I am now that woman.
On cleaning girly bits:
Why does this make me feel like an inadequate mother? Cleaning a little boy's bits was a piece of cake. This one, though - whew. For some reason I feel like a stranger in a foreign land. An alien creature on its first trip to a new planet. I have these same parts, yet I appear to be incapable of doing a suitable job of finding every little nook and cranny to clean the accumulated funk. And why, in God's name, does she smell like Seneca Lake with a hint of rotted cheese?
Why is my husband better at this than I am? I purchased the uber-expensive, ultra-trendy swaddling blankets in an attempt to make it easier to wrap baby girl like a burrito. I still can't manage to secure the blanket in a way that won't allow her to push her skinny little arms out of the top within seconds. The Hubs? No one could break out of that wrap, not even Houdini himself.
On parenting magazines/e-mails/message boards, along with the What to Expect...books and Baby 411:
Suck it. Don't tell me how much weight I should've lost by now. Don't tell me to multiply 2.5 by the baby's weight to know how much she should be drinking. Don't presume to know what is and isn't normal for my child(ren) right now at this time. Don't tell me to ignore my child's accomplishments and not offer him praise - that's perhaps the most inane piece of advice you could offer. Really. I can only imagine how emotionally stable YOUR children will grow up to be. Save a tree - stop publishing.
Thank God I still have half of a bottle left.