Wednesday, June 04, 2008


On multiple children:
My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six. ~Bill Cosby

I can see how parents get tricked into going from one child to two, but really - WHY would anyone choose to have more than two children? Are you gluttons for punishment? I always thought I wanted a big family, but I'm quite certain that I'd be driven insane. Have you ever had an opportunity to view Bill Cosby: Himself? If so, think back to the portion of the program where Cosby refers to motherhood making a woman crazy, and explaining how his wife - once an intelligent, sane woman - became a nut job after the birth of her children - talking to herself and adopting a crazy look in her eyes. I am now that woman.

On cleaning girly bits:

Why does this make me feel like an inadequate mother? Cleaning a little boy's bits was a piece of cake. This one, though - whew. For some reason I feel like a stranger in a foreign land. An alien creature on its first trip to a new planet. I have these same parts, yet I appear to be incapable of doing a suitable job of finding every little nook and cranny to clean the accumulated funk. And why, in God's name, does she smell like Seneca Lake with a hint of rotted cheese?

On swaddling:

Why is my husband better at this than I am? I purchased the uber-expensive, ultra-trendy swaddling blankets in an attempt to make it easier to wrap baby girl like a burrito. I still can't manage to secure the blanket in a way that won't allow her to push her skinny little arms out of the top within seconds. The Hubs? No one could break out of that wrap, not even Houdini himself.

On parenting magazines/e-mails/message boards, along with the What to Expect...books and Baby 411:

Suck it. Don't tell me how much weight I should've lost by now. Don't tell me to multiply 2.5 by the baby's weight to know how much she should be drinking. Don't presume to know what is and isn't normal for my child(ren) right now at this time. Don't tell me to ignore my child's accomplishments and not offer him praise - that's perhaps the most inane piece of advice you could offer. Really. I can only imagine how emotionally stable YOUR children will grow up to be. Save a tree - stop publishing.

On Lortab:

Thank God I still have half of a bottle left.


Elisabeth said...

FYI - Dr. Ari Brown (author of Baby 411) was our pedi for Hudson's first 6 months - she's not all she's cracked up to be. Every kid is different, as you konw, and she has a one size fits all approach. Seriously - even in office visits - I'd ask questions and I sh*t you not - her response to EVERY question: "It's Normal." Um..okay genius famous pediatrician - this is my FIRST baby and I need to know MORE than "it's normal" - I know that - I read your f'ing book. She even went so far as to ask if we'd read her book when we challenged her vaccine schedule. Loser. We left after Hudson's 6 month check up.

Anyway..enough of're doing great. Keep posting pics. I love to see them.

McKenzie said...

Ew. I remember you telling us about that. I read the book before Nat was born and had decided she was a genius. After I was able to put her "practical advice" to use once he was born, I realized that she wasn't so much a genius as she was someone who was very firm in her beliefs and had a bit of a "my way or the highway" attitude about her. I threw the book away. I hate that standard "it's normal" answer. I'm asking you a question for a reason, so give me a real answer!

Samantha said...

McKenzie, I was thinking of you last night when my husband got an email from his best friend from high school. His wife just had twins the other day. They now have 6 children, ages 6, 4, 3, 2 and two newborns. Gluttons for punishment they are!

I think it is funny how there are millions of books about baby and toddler care and development, but not so many about school age kids. Now that is when it gets hard!!

WA said...

Hey, congrats! And, poor you! I know it's such a wonderful, terrible time right now. But now that my boys are 4 & 6, the thought of holding a little newborn is a nice one. A fantasy, sure, but a nice thought.

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

OMG, the girly bits! i was SO escared changing my daughter's diaper in the beginning. in fact, for quite some time after she was born. i called my friend who had TWO girls - same age as my kids - and she was all, "you want to use a clean Qtip with spring water to get INSIDE the..."

i haven't spoken to her since.