To the nurse at the pediatrician's office:
When I call the office, despite my paralyzing fear of speaking to people over the telephone, with a genuine question out of concern for my infant daughter, DON'T sit there and give me a five minute lecture on the importance of burping my child and how to properly do so. And REALLY don't lecture me in that monotone voice - it makes you sound like you're reading from The Manual For Idiot First Time Moms Who Call The Doctor WAY Too Often. Because, really? My fluctuating hormones and brain tumor and effed-up thyroid are making me a bit manic today and now I really want to hunt you down and torture you, and...oh, I don't know - cover YOU in the same smelly, pearlescent ecru liquid that my daughter continues to cover me in. I'm glad you didn't identify yourself because then I'd have to be a real bitch if I encounter you in the office at some point. Are you sure you're not the cleaning lady?
Smell you later,