Saturday, April 19, 2008

Verbal diarrhea

I'm quite certain the fetus is trying to push her way out today. Through my lungs.

I had the pleasure of encountering Amherst Mommy at Barnes & Noble story time again on Friday. She had the nerve to attempt to sit next to me on the bench (made for little toddler coolies, mind you - not really for pregnant behinds, let alone two behinds), giving me a my-shit-don't-stink look the entire time as she sauntered over. So what did I, the bigger and better person, do? Moved to the middle of the bench, giving her the same look back, taking pleasure as she rolled her eyes and had to *gasp* stand the entire time. The best part of the half-hour story time? Watching as she bent over to pick her screaming daughter up off of the floor and noticing that her BACK was hairier than her arms. No way! Back hair on men can be quasi-forgiven, but on a woman? Just...ew. I'm not talking about the peach fuzz that we all have - I'm talking full-out 'fro on her lower back...looked like Buckwheat was poking his head out from under her shirt.

Many of you commented that you try to avoid situations involving other moms. I tend to shy away from the places where the competitive moms like to go - playgroups (never!), Gymboree-ish places...too often I've found myself among moms who like to speak extra loudly, just to make sure everyone can hear her, about which milestones her child has reached early, how much of a genius the child is, and so on and so forth. I don't care how old your kid was when he started walking, when she started pooping on the potty, or what your strategy was for getting him to sleep all night. I like to spend my time enjoying my child - not talking him up to any willing ear. Over-compensating for anything in particular, mommy? Like, perhaps, your own downfalls and/or insecurities? Sure, I'm as proud as the next mom when baby boy says a new word or performs a new task, but I don't feel the need to share it with every person who crosses my path, and I certainly don't do anything remotely close to making sure everyone in the room knows it. I learned quickly what and how much to share, which questions are okay to ask and which make you appear to be competitive. I just don't feel the need to surround myself or associate with people who see fit to compare our children.

And now, the most important part of the post -
I've again been tagged by Matter of Fact Mommy to list 7 more random facts about myself. She finds me so darn intriguing, and I'm happy to oblige.

1. I tell people that I am allergic to bees so that they don't look at me funny when I run away screaming and flapping my arms when one comes within 100 feet of me. The bigger the bee, the more severe the allergy.

2. I find Jack Nicholson to be rather sexy. Not The Shining Jack Nicholson...more like wrinkly Something's Gotta Give Jack.

3. I'm terrified of my impending c-section. With my son, I went in to be induced and wasn't anticipating that he'd be presenting breech, so there was no time to worry about all of the what-ifs. This time, I'm imagining every possible worst-case scenario that could occur, and it scares me.

4. Ever since seeing the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose, if I happen to wake up at 3:33 a.m., I lie in bed and say the Our Father until I fall asleep to prevent the devil from entering my soul. It's not because of my religion - it's because I don't want to become possessed like Emily Rose. It would piss me off.

5. I have no idea what I want to do when it's time for me to go back to work (when the kids are in school). Sure, I have my degrees in the mental health field, but I really have no desire to return to that. It has been too long. If money weren't an issue (is it ever NOT an issue?), I would like to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity to build houses (see previous post about my inner dude), or buy our own huge fixer-upper home and completely redo it myself.

6. As much as I hate being pregnant, and as rough as these two pregnancies have been, I'm a bit sad that this is the last time I'll be pregnant. I always wanted a big family with 4 or 5 children, but my health and our finances would probably never be able to handle it.

7. I don't think I'm all that amusing, but I've gotten comments and e-mails from acquaintances and strangers telling me that I should submit some of my blog posts to newspapers or magazines. I would love to do that, and would love an opportunity to do something like freelance writing, but my fear of rejection keeps me from doing anything about it. My fear of rejection keeps me from doing a lot of things...like having friends!

8 comments:

debawriter said...

My sister watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose and had to come stay with me for a week because she was afraid to stay home alone.

And THAT is why I will never watch it. Although it's on Encore all the time.

But if I do succomb to its temptation, I am TOTALLY going to do your #4.

Deb
sandiegomomma.com

WORKING MOM said...

You are amusing and should submit. Good for you at Barnes and Nobles. And, Fiday the 13th movies have ruined most walk in the woods for me.

Dan & Misty said...

Friends? What are those? ;) Seriously, I understand your #7. I've put way to much effort into friendships that have turned sour. My fear is the awkward beginning of a friendship (that whole pretend phase of getting to know each other.. shudder).

But you SHOULD write. Always write. You have a gift.

I was always partial to Jack Nicholson in WOLF (not when he's a wolfman though).

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

mckenzie! i can't believe i haven't read this UNTIL JUST NOW... i was on yesterday, but the tag was kind of buried and i only had 19 seconds, so i didn't have the chance to actually READ the post...

you most certainly do have a gift. you have the gift of humor. and wtf with the BACKHAIR on amherst mommy?! dude. seriously. i work with a big, beautiful black woman who has chest hair. CHEST HAIR. WAX THAT SHIT. i just don't get it...

i look forward to future posts... re: the 2nd childbirth, being a mom to 2 kids, hating people, etc.

it's all good, mama! and thanks for obliging me AGAIN on the tag.

Knick Knack Paddy Whack, Throw This Mom a Bone said...

DUDE(ette). I think someone should secretly send in your blogs to newpapers or magazines without you knowing. Theh-EH-en if one should be rejected (nah), you will never even know about it!

McKenzie said...

Deb - don't watch it! For the love of God, don't EVER watch it. It scared me more than any other horror movie I've watched. Sometimes I have to wake up the Hubs because if I'm going to get possessed I want him to be there to witness it.

WM - Never saw the Friday the 13th movies. But the Blair Witch pretty much took care of my woods enjoyment. And the ability to go into any basement by myself.

Misty - I fear every aspect of a friendship. I seem to do better with relationships online than in person. I just hope beyond hope that I don't pass it on to my kids.

MOFM - chest hair? On a woman?? Oh man - I'd pay to see it. Thanks for saying I'm funny. :) Sometimes I try, but it seems as though when I don't try I'm at my funniest...at least according to my husband. I'm sure you can look forward to many MANY posts about the insanity that having 2 kids brings on...this blog will be my saving grace!

H - I'd totally want to know if someone secretly sent something in and it was rejected. It would make a great subject to write about!

Thanks to all of you who said kind things about my writing. I enjoy blogging, and I'm glad that I can provide amusement. I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm amusing over the years (amusing, annoying...they sound the same to me), so it makes me happy that I can bring a smile or a chuckle to someone's day. Ya'll made MY day!

McKenzie said...

Deb - don't watch it! For the love of God, don't EVER watch it. It scared me more than any other horror movie I've watched. Sometimes I have to wake up the Hubs because if I'm going to get possessed I want him to be there to witness it.

WM - Never saw the Friday the 13th movies. But the Blair Witch pretty much took care of my woods enjoyment. And the ability to go into any basement by myself.

Misty - I fear every aspect of a friendship. I seem to do better with relationships online than in person. I just hope beyond hope that I don't pass it on to my kids.

MOFM - chest hair? On a woman?? Oh man - I'd pay to see it. Thanks for saying I'm funny. :) Sometimes I try, but it seems as though when I don't try I'm at my funniest...at least according to my husband. I'm sure you can look forward to many MANY posts about the insanity that having 2 kids brings on...this blog will be my saving grace!

H - I'd totally want to know if someone secretly sent something in and it was rejected. It would make a great subject to write about!

Thanks to all of you who said kind things about my writing. I enjoy blogging, and I'm glad that I can provide amusement. I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm amusing over the years (amusing, annoying...they sound the same to me), so it makes me happy that I can bring a smile or a chuckle to someone's day. Ya'll made MY day!

Mommyrella said...

You really should submit your stuff. Honestly, I get rejected like 8 times a week. At first, it stung. Now, it just rolls off me. Just like the chef on 'Hell's Kitchen' who actually made Chef Ramsey puke with his awful food, then he looks into the camera and, with a straight face, questions the chef's palate and insists that he is the best chef ever. That's ME! Except with writing, not cooking. Okay, I was trying to encourage you. Crap. My point is, I think you're really great!