Tuesday, April 29, 2008

High and tight

We're not talking about major league baseball pitches. Nope - that would be too easy. We're talking about my cervix. It's sealed shut. It's never going to open. Ever. I am going to be pregnant forever. Well...or at least until the date of the c-section...which feels like forever.

I had my OB's stand-in's stand-in today. He actually asked me if I wanted him to examine me. Oh yes, sure, Doctor. Please stick your latex-covered hand (unless of course he pulls a The Hand That Rocks The Cradle move and then I'd just wind up having an asthma attack) into my most private and not-wanting-to-be-touched area right now. It would be MY pleasure. Really. And, when you're through? Bend over so that I can ram my left Croc up your...

"Yes, I would. I was having some pretty regular contractions yesterday, and I'm curious to know if they resulted in anything." Of course they didn't, seeing as though I don't have a foot sticking out of said private and not-wanting-to-be-touched area.

"Okay then." *pulls on glove* *inserts hand* "Hmmm. Let's see if I can find your cervix." Okay - what? Dude, do you even have a medical degree? What do you mean you have to see if you can find it? I knew I shouldn't have obliged to see this guy in my doctor's absence. His name is pronounced Man-Dip, for Christs' sake!

*rooting around, feels like he's looking for the pencil he lost on the way home from school in the third grade...which must have been, like....10 years ago?* "Okay - closed tight and high up. Any questions?" Yes - WHAT THE HELL WILL IT TAKE TO GET THIS CHILD OUT OF ME??

After that fun start to the morning I had the pleasure of lying flat on my back for 20 minutes (isn't that dangerous while pregnant?) for my weekly NST. The nurses love to poke their heads in and comment, with amused smiles, about how active this baby is. Yes, it's hilarious. I love having a shaking fist or tapping foot rammed into my rib cage at all times. It's so wonderful when she does whatever the hell it is she does to make it feel like someone's ramming a knife into my previously mentioned parts. (I saw Baby Mama with my mom this weekend. My favorite part of the movie? Amy Poehler's in labor, being wheeled into the hospital yelling, "Oh my God, it feels like I'm shitting a knife!" Yep. I feel you, sister.) When she turns circles nonstop in my uterus for 15 minutes, like she's high on my stash of codeine life, and then settles in the middle, sticking her coolie out so far that I swear she's going to tear through my flesh? Yeah - that's the greatest. NOW GET OUT!


Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

LMAO @ it feels like i'm shitting a knife! awesome!

wow, reading this totally brings me back to everything i experienced with the second birth. except, of course my cervix was anything but "high and tight"... although, they did have to give me the pitocin.


This was one of the funniest post. I remember feeling like I would never dilate and was happy for even a centimeter.

I sure hope that you don't go into labor when your doc's assistant, er uh, helper, er uh, whatever, is on duty.

Have to say at this age, I would be glad if anything was high and tight on me.