Two years ago today I found out I was pregnant with the baby boy. In fact, it was probably about this time that I was buying the pregnancy test from the Duane Reade at 83rd and Broadway in Manhattan. I was at the gym, working out next to Jesse Tyler Ferguson from The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, close to two weeks late in my cycle, and I decided to buy a test. I hadn't been feeling well, but I chalked it up to my body detoxing itself from the raw foods diet I was on. Little did I know...
The cashier at Duane Reade had asked me if I wanted the test double-bagged so that no one knew I was carrying it. I remember smiling and saying no, that it would be a good thing if I were pregnant and I wasn't embarrassed about buying a test. I was going to walk to the movie theater to catch a film, but my curiosity got the better of me and I hopped the subway home. I felt bad about not waiting until the Hubs got home, but I had to know.
Yes, I had told the cashier that it would've been a good thing, but not a week earlier had I gone to see a high-risk obstetrician for a prenatal consult, and learned that, with all the risks I would have going into a pregnancy, it would be better of me NOT to try to conceive. He was/is supposedly the best in the biz in Manhattan, so of course I trusted what he told me. I cried about it for a few days and realized that we'd likely be adopting and never having our own
child(ren). So imagine my surprise when the Clear Blue Easy Digital Test reader gave a big fat thumbs up for being knocked up. I remember I almost fainted, right there in my tiny bathroom that those NYC water bugs so loved to inhabit, and immediately started to cry. I was TERRIFIED...after all, I was told that the chances of losing a baby were "at least 65%," and because of my history of clotting I would be putting my own life at risk. I called Hubs at work, in tears, and told him I needed him to come home. He correctly assumed what was going on and boarded the subway for his hour and a half commute home. It wasn't until after the fact that I learned he had received an early sign that everything would be okay with me, with the baby, with the pregnancy. Apparently, on the train, he asked God for a sign to let him know that I'd be okay, that this pregnancy wouldn't harm me in any way. Almost immediately, the train doors opened, and he heard a bagpiper playing "Amazing Grace" in the subway tunnel. Now, if you've ever lived in NYC you know it's not uncommon to hear artists and artist-wannabes sharing their gift with the patrons of the NYC MTA. But Amazing Grace? By a bagpiper? Strange. And, oddly enough, Amazing Grace became a sort of a theme of the pregnancy, and we both truly began to believe that everything would be okay. Examples? Our first time at church after the pregnancy was confirmed, Amazing Grace was the opening hymn. Out of the zillion hymns that exist, THAT one had to play. Coincidence? When we were choosing names, we looked to see the meaning of the name Grace, which turned out to be gift from God, and we pretty much decided that, if the baby turned out to be a girl, her name would be Grace. When we learned we were having a boy, we struggled over finding the perfect name. We eventually heard the name Nathanael, and each got a "feeling" about it, just knowing that it was the right name for our son. Upon looking for the meaning of the name, we were surprised to learn that it, too, means gift from God. Coincidence? I really don't think so.
I fell in love with baby boy from the beginning. Never in my life would I have imagined the awesome power that mother love has. Never would I have imagined that I could love someone so much. Sure, I love my husband to the ends of the world and back, but come on, moms - back me up when I say that there is nothing - nothing - like the love a mother has for her child.
I found a book today in Borders that I've been after for a while. It's a kid's book - My Mommy and I by P.K. Hallinan. I had purchased the companion book My Daddy and I for Hubs for his first Father's Day, and baby boy loves it when Daddy reads the book to him before bedtime. The mommy version has been difficult to locate, but finally, today, I was able to find it. While the boys were off exploring the books I quickly read through it and wound up with tears in my eyes. The perfect book for the day.