I was slightly hungry, so I ate a disgusting Mama Celeste pizza. I now feel sick and have terrible heartburn, so I'm eating a gigantic bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats.
Have rheumatoid arthritis? Take Humira - you might wind up with lymphoma, but hey - at least your hands won't hurt!
Chronic nasal congestion? Take Veramyst - it'll probably give you a nasal fungal infection, but your nose won't run!
The logical mind of a 16-month-old:
"I'm so hungry, damn it, that I'm going to throw this food on the floor!"
"I hate having the sun in my eyes, so I'm going to pull this car window shade right down on top of my head and scream until Mama pulls over to fix it."
"I love to color so much that I'm going to display my work all over the freshly painted walls in our new house."
And of my husband...
"I want to make life easier for my wonderful, beautiful, pregnant wife...so instead of putting the new roll of toilet paper on the roll itself, I'm just going to put it on TOP of the roll...that way she doesn't have to reach an extra centimeter when it comes time to wipe."