Monday, May 26, 2008

Just don't

I've reached that point, readers. That new-baby-exhaustion point. That wits-end point. That my-husband-goes-back-to-work-tomorrow-and-I'm-afraid-of-my-children point.

I'm stressed. My mom's coming in for a few days, but it won't be the same. Gran is fun. We like having Gran around. It's like there are no rules when she's around. Let's misbehave, 'cause she thinks it's funny and cute. Gran's older, so Mama's not really in charge.

I've been without narcotics for nearly 48 hours. By choice. I haven't filled the script for the good stuff. I may. I just may. Life is better on narcotics. Kidding. Sort of.

Savannah doesn't like to sleep. At all. She's having poop issues. And gas. Me, I'm pooping just fine. Got the first post-partum post c-section poop out of the way. Sure, it felt like I was shitting shards of glass, but it's done. Out of the way. On to the next thing.

The next thing being I'm pretty convinced that I have a brain tumor. For the last 4 or 5 days I've had a headache that would make Jesus himself weep, along with vertigo and distortion of voices in my ears. Brain tumor. The big one, Alice. God gave me two beautiful children, only to kill me with a brain tumor. Thanks, dude.

Baby boy is, I think, starting to come around as far as liking me again. He's still acting awful at times, but I think it's more the terrible twos than anything else. His new favorite phrase, compliments of mama, is "Holy shit." Not ideal, but he heard it enough every time I moved for the last 10 days that he was bound to pick it up. Hey - at least he's incorporating religion into it.

For those of you wondering if you should get pregnant again any time soon, listen to me. If getting pregnant right now will leave you with two children under two, please understand that you'll never eat again, you'll never sleep again, showers just don't exist, you don't change into clean clothes too often, and the amount of guilt you feel for a) telling your older child to shush or keep it down because the new baby is sleeping, b) spending time with the older child instead of the new baby, or c) wanting to chop your husband's balls off so that you never get pregnant again, is very overwhelming and overpowering.

I'm stressed to the max. I'm angry at myself for getting so stressed. I love my babies, more than I ever thought possible, and I wouldn't trade either of them for the world. But I'm terrified that I won't be able to be a good mom to two young children - how am I supposed to continue to teach my son as much as I have when all my time is taken up by the new baby? Is there a manual out there for this stuff?

5 comments:

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

see my comment on starve a fever, feed a c-section. ;)

here's my advice. (as if you need to hear this. especially right now... perhaps we will gear this little diddy to your readership who are planning on having a 2nd kid soon.)

"what was hard with one kid, is 100 times harder with two kids."

there you have it.

xoxo

Andrew and Connor's Mom said...

McK--what you are feeling is completely normal. Even though DS was 3 1/2 when his little brother was born, I had a lot of the same emotions you are having. Just remember if this doesn't get better by your 6 week appt, talk to your OB about it. I got a scrip for Lexapro and it totally helped.

I never thought I would be able to love my second child as much as I love my first, but I do and the love is different for both of them.

It is a huge task to make time for both without feeling that one is left out for the other, but eventually you figure it out. I still have the second thoughts about whether I am showing favoritism, but I know they both are loved and well taken care of.

Good luck. You are a fantastic mommy. I would actually wonder about you if you weren't having these feelings because I know how much you love your kids.

WORKING MOM said...

Okay, there is no manual meaning that everything you do or say is absolutely the right thing to do.

Your son will continue to learn on his own, and now he will understand sharing more and loving more and all of that good stuff. His new phrase is classic, and that should be in the baby book. Okay, just write it on a napkin cuz God knows there is no time for the baby book right now.

Dan & Misty said...

This too shall pass -- :)

You are an incredible mom who shows so much love to her kids. Even in the most depressive moments, just remember, it will pass.

Jessica said...

I've had those and sometimes still do. it sucks but I think they are pretty normal.