Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Inspiration, aspiration, consternation

Nat is 23 months old. Tomorrow, actually. I can't believe he's almost 2. Maybe if I don't think about it it won't happen, and he'll stay my sweet boy forever. Poor baby has a bad cold. Both kiddos do, but he's especially cute because he's so stuffed that "mama" is coming out "baba." Yesterday, he was pleading, "Baba, fix duffy dode." Translation? Mama, fix stuffy nose. Cute.

I'm in a bit of a state of confusion lately, hence the title of this post. From the day I found out I was pregnant with Nat it was agreed upon between Hubs and I that I would be the primary caregiver, the one who would forgo furthering a career to stay at home to take care of the children. I planned to return to work when Nat was in school full time. Getting pregnant with Savannah delayed that plan by another year or two. I have days on which I long for the opportunity to return to work. I don't have a specific job to return to because I've not worked since we moved to the Buffalo area, but on the occasional rough day I would run back to an office and try to mend the hearts and minds of troubled youth in a flash. Until recently.

My children are inspiring me to become a better person. I am told that this is not uncommon. They've inspired me to become reacquainted with and more involved in the Catholic church, and in doing so I've become even more inspired to be the best wife and mother that I can be. I love circular effects.

I've had many aspirations over my lifetime. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a ballerina, a nun, and a teacher. When I was in high school I wanted to be a psychiatric social worker. Once I was in college I wanted to change the world. When I hit graduate school I just wanted to make a fat amount of money. It wasn't until I became a mother that I realized just how much I wanted to be a mother. To raise a baby to be a good, well-rounded, honest, loving, faithful, and caring person. Having a second baby doubled this desire and cemented the fact that I was put here to be a mother, specifically a mother to these two children. In the first few months of being a new and first time mother, I lamented over not having gotten as far as possible in my chosen field. I had given up on thinking that I'd change the world. Oh, how I was wrong. I realize today that I'm changing the world in the best way possible - one heartbeat at a time.

I love staying at home with my children. I get looks of pity and disgust at times when asked what I do and respond that I'm a SAHM. They've chosen what's best for them, and I've chosen what's best for my family. It means not having our own home right now. It means having debt. It means not wearing fancy clothes. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I aspire now to be the kind of mom who is always there for her children, physically and emotionally. I'm sure I'll get eye rolls and "OMGs," but are you familiar with Annie Camden, the uber-mom from 7th Heaven? That's what I want. That's what I want to be. Supermom, I guess. Soccer mom and PTA mom and best-bake sale-mom and cool mom all rolled into one. Would my kids love this or hate this? Would they resent me for not working? Would they be embarrassed? I can see it now. Hey Nat, my mom's a doctor or Hey Savannah, my mom's an aeronautical engineer. What does YOUR mom do? My own mom will tell me about my peers who are in the process of becoming doctors or this and that, and after a fleeting moment of wondering if she's as proud of me as those mothers are of their children, I sit back and remind myself that I endured two awful pregnancies and gave birth to two beautiful children, and am doing my darnedest to ensure that they grow up feeling and knowing that they are loved, cherished, supported, and protected. That has to count for something, doesn't it?


Amy said...

Well, you aren't going to get any eye rolls here. As I sit here at my desk at work and read this post, all I can think about is the little boy at home and how I would give ANYTHING to be home with him. We knew when we bought our house, being a SAHM wouldn't be possible. I didn't think much about it then. Growing up, my mom was a SAHM and I remember thinking how I wasn't going to be by like her, that I could work and raise a family. Not until my maternity leave was up did I realize just how wrong I was. It pains me knowing that Grandma is with him 7 hours a day and in those 7 hours, she might get his first word, his first step, his first anything. I know how much I am missing. I try to tell myself that I am working to provide for him, but I don't think I'm fooling anyone. I would much rather be at home right now reading books and playing games with the most precious gift I have ever been given. Love every minute at home with your babies. I would if I could.

Knick Knack Paddy Whack, Throw This Mom a Bone said...

I secretly aim to be Annie Camden as well ( at least prior to when she gets all nutty it later seasons...hee hee). :)

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

mckenzie, my dear. while i have absolutely no interest whatsoever in what you plan on taking on, i can completely understand. and i do love my children more than life itself, btw.

my SIL is a SAHM. she has lofty degrees and PhDs and all that bullshit. now? she stays at home with her children and home schools them and runs the PTA and is trying to start her own charter school. her older son is "on the spectrum" with asperger's, but she made the best of it. i admire her for that.

best of luck to you, and i totally admire you for what you're doing.