21 + 10

So yesterday was my birthday. Another year older and another year wiser, right? On some things, at least. Being a mom has definitely made me wiser in areas I never imagined. Of course, there's that mommy-brain thing - you know, the thing that makes you unable to recall your own name at times, makes you call your child by the cat's name at times. Mommy-brain. Makes even the most intelligent person feel (and sound) rather dumb sometimes. I've become a bit wiser when it comes to finances. I've become quite economical (read: cheap) in the last year. I've come to appreciate things that are truly important and have begun to place less importance on the cosmetic, the trivial, and the things that do nothing for me or my family.

But surely I can't be 31. Impossible. Didn't I just get married? Didn't I just graduate from grad school? Or better yet, college? 31 is 9 years away from 40. 31 implies grown-up. While I've definitely grown up (and out, ugh) in the last year, I certainly don't feel like a grown-up. Like an adult. I still laugh at inappropriate times, I still find those Helen Keller jokes impossibly funny, I still burp like that guy on The Simpsons, I'm still messy, I still like to be loud and make noise...those aren't the characteristics of someone who is grown up. A kid at heart, I guess, is what I'll always be. Not so bad, is it?

Happy Thanksgiving! May you all count your blessings and have much to be thankful for on this day. I know I do!

Thanks and giving

It's that time of year!

Thanks, whomever, for making us move to Buffalo. I appreciate the promotion you gave my husband, but why couldn't you have offices in a better city? One of the nurses at the OB's office saw that I moved here from NYC. "What brought you to Buffalo?!" she asked. My reply? "Satan." She nodded in empathic agreement.

Thanks, China, for trying to kill my kid.

Thank you, housing market, for going to pot when we really need our own house. Shape up after the first of the year, would you? There's a house in Amherst that has my name on it. I'm over apartment living, and I refuse to bring a newborn home to this place. Annoying dogs and gangster music do not a happy baby make.

Thank you, maternity clothes designers of the world, for making this winter's clothing line the most hideous I've ever seen.

Thank you, Writer's Guild, for screwing up my evenings. My favorite shows are all into reruns. Now what am I supposed to do? Greedy bastards.

Thank you, BBQ pork roast that I made last night, for smelling like an autopsy. Add that to the list of foods I'll never eat again.

Oh - this was supposed to be about giving, too.
Thank you, whomever, for giving me morning sickness again. Vomiting at least once a day for the last 13 or 14 weeks has been a real treat, let me tell you. Oh, and the crippling nausea that goes along with it? Score one for you. Really. You haven't lived until you've thrown up rice.

I jest. I kid. Mostly. Sure, these are all things that I'm bitter about but I like to look at the humorous side of them. In reality, I have so much to be thankful for this year. First and foremost, the sweet baby boy sleeping in the next room is the biggest blessing I've ever received. I think I was too tired from newborn Nat last Thanksgiving to really take the chance to reflect on what I was thankful for, and so I'll make up for it this year. I'm sure this time next year I'll also be giving thanks for Gumdrop (who has a name, I just need to find out the sex before I can start calling him/her by its chosen name).

We're spending the holiday with my parents and younger sister. This will be the first time in a few years that we'll be there for Thanksgiving and I'm excited. Thanksgiving was always big in our house. We weren't able to go last year because I was still on "travel restriction" from my c-section, and Nat was only 3 weeks old, so we stayed put in Brooklyn. My father will inevitably have come Christmas tunes blaring when we get there. Hopefully we'll get there in time for Nat to see some of the parade. We'll definitely look for Santa at the end. There'll be good food and the feeling of being home again. Since the birth of Nat, I've definitely gained a new appreciation for family...things seem to mean more to me, certain things are more important now than they used to be. The notion of carrying on/starting new holiday traditions with my own family excites me.

Rent the movie Home for the Holidays. If yours is one of those families who puts the fun in dysfunctional (and let's face it, everyone's family is like that to some extent...and if yours isn't, well, then, that's your dysfunction, weirdo), then you'll appreciate this movie.

Happy Thanksgiving, blog world. Travel safely, enjoy your friends or families, and may you have plenty to be thankful for. :)

Medical un-professionals

It took 2 idiots nurses to obtain a blood sample from the baby today. From a finger poke. These women were idiots. One looked like a tranny and barely spoke comprehensible English - I'm convinced she must've gone no further than the 8th grade and obtained her "degree" from Jim-Bob's Skewl of Nersing. She actually had the nerve to YELL at my son when he started crying and wiggling because what she was doing was hurting him. Because she was incompetent (she poked the finger in the wrong place), nurse #2 (not a tranny, but she was more interested in my Uggs than anything else she did) had to step in and give it the ol' college try. My baby's blood was going everything BUT the little vial...nurse couldn't manage to hold it still enough (the baby's hand wasn't moving) to collect what she needed so she told me they'd have to poke again. Yeah - um, no. Two fudge-ups are quite enough, ladies. You've got enough, you're not poking my kid again. Nurse #2 then switched her focus from my shoes to everything her 1 year old does that my baby doesn't do. Maybe if she put as much attention and interest into taking care of what she needed to do, the little situation wouldn't have happened. I don't care about your daughter. Do your job, nursey, and get the hell out of my face.

Vocabulary

Nathanael has spoken his first real word other than dada, mama, caca, and baba.

The word is "kitty."

Except it comes out "titty." I love it.

Seasons of love

525,600 minutes
525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?

One year ago. One year ago today my life changed, changed in a way I'd never expected. Oy. Here come the tears already.


I've never been so tired, so frustrated, and felt so incapable as I have in these last 12 months.
And never - never in my life - did I imagine that I would love one creature - that my life would revolve around someone so tiny - as much as I do and as much as it does. Nathanael is my world, my every joy, and my heart swells with so much love for him that it's scary. The love a mother feels for her child, I have learned, is unlike any other. It's completely indestructable, completely unconditional, and it's something that I feel so blessed, so privileged, to be able to know.

So. One year old. I have to admit that we're not exactly where I thought we'd be at this point in time. Still not walking, and not talking beyond a few words - mama, dada, baba, go (I *think*), and caca. Caca. That's my boy.

Boy, he loves life, though. He finds good in everything. He's fascinated by the world and I stand in awe at his wonder over the slightest things that I've long felt were mundane. I vow to make sure that he retains this love and this fascination for as long as possible.

This very second? One year ago? I was making the "dead man walking" walk from my labor room to the operating room. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. I was terrified. I was excited. I was in disbelief that I was about to become a mother, become responsible for someone else's life other than my own. Nat's official birth time is 11:47 a.m. Oh sweet Jesus - someone get me some Kleenex brand facial tissues, would you?

I wish I could create a machine that would slow time down, just a little. I'm not sure that I'm ready for toddlerhood and the tantrums, the independence, and the inevitability that my baby boy is, indeed, growing up.

Happy, happy birthday to my baby boy. You have given me the most amazing 12 months of my life. I love you, I love you, I love you, and I am so happy to be your mama.

Finally!

My boy finally calls me by name. I was beginning to think I was invisible to him, or just so inconsequential that he felt as though he didn't need to bother with anything other than his "hey you" point. In any case, hearing his call of "mama mama mama" is music to my ears, and quite honestly I could listen to it all day.

Any time I've glanced at the clock today I've been thinking back to one year ago, wondering what I was doing. At this point, all I knew was that I was going in for a scheduled induction on the night of the 30th. It wouldn't be until later that evening that we all learned the little stinker had flipped around, prompting the docs to perform a c-section the following day.

I can't believe that it has been a year. I still remember what I wore...hell, even what I ate...on the day before he was born. I wonder if any of his first memories will be anything from his first year. I hope so...because if there's anything he should be able to know and remember from the last 12 months it should be how loved and adored he is.

Now - off to rescue him from whatever seems to be attempting to kill him in his crib.

Tone: nostalgic and happy :)

Survival

The party went off without a hitch. I consider it a major success. Good food, some good friends and family (and a bunch of peeps I didn't know), good presents, and a lot of fun. I, of course, got choked up singing Happy Birthday to Nat, but I imagine it was nothing close to the emotion I'll feel on Wednesday. He's still a baby in so many ways, but like a big boy in many others. It still makes me sad to think how quickly this year has passed, but I know every other mother on the planet feels the same way. But still - stay my baby boy a little longer, Nat, please?

As for Baby #2 - I'd like to clarify that never have I said/written that I regret getting pregnant. Do a word search on the blog - if you can find the word 'regret' then I'll happily give you $100. I wrote that I worry about having made a mistake for a few reasons....most of which have been voiced on this blog ....but never regret. Big difference. I know that this pregnancy is a blessing - I don't need to be reminded of that. But I also don't have to be happy with the way things have gone at this point. Would YOU be happy having to deal with profuse vomiting on a daily basis while also making sure your current baby's needs are being met? Doubtful. In any case, to all of you who have taken the time to send well wishes and good thoughts - thank you. You know you have special places in my heart and I appreciate your kind words and good intentions. :)

Now. Off to do some party damage control.

Party planning and c-sections

How in the world does your child's first birthday party turn into the event of the century? Nat's party is this weekend, and it won't be over fast enough. I have about 463 people attending, most of whom I don't know. I have to cook all of this food while battling a seriously queasy stomach, fighting the urge to dry heave and vomit all over what I've just prepared. We have friends coming in from out of town, arriving tomorrow, and of course we'll have to entertain them while they're here. How am I supposed to entertain when I'm usually dead asleep (thank you, Phenergan rectal suppositories that do nothing for nausea but make me delirious and sleepy) by 8:30? Stay tuned for updates. I'm sure there will be at least one disaster to report on.

Saw the OB on Tuesday for a checkup. Baby's still in there. It has verifiable legs and arms now. Looks like the arms are coming out of its mouth. Great. Bad news is that the pregnancy is in the left horn of my uterus. Back up for a minute. What, you say? You have a horn in your uterus? Yes, dear bloggers, I have a two-pronged uterus. A bicornuate uterus. It has two horns, kind of like the devil. Apropos, no? In any case, I'm pregnant on the left side, which is where the pregnancy was the last time around. At a prior visit the doctor had told me that if the pregnancy was in the right horn then we would attempt a vaginal birth rather than another c-section. So of course, because I'm convinced that God hates me, it's not in the right side. Which means an automatic c-section. Too much risk of uterine rupture. Fabulous thought, eh?

So. Last time I didn't know I was having a c-section until I got to the hospital. Now I have months and months to anticipate major surgery. So what's the big deal? Well, I'm uber-lucky enough to have a rare blood clotting disorder...so rare that I was graced with a pulmonary embolism in 2003...and, well, major surgery + clotting disorder = a bit of anticipatory anxiety. So while the average Jill runs the risk of dying during or after major surgery, my risk is just a little bit higher.

So excuse me if I can't rejoice over the little bundle soon to come. Excuse me if I'm less than thrilled about being pregnant at the moment. I'm being a little bit selfish right now in worrying that I'm going to kick the bucket, leaving my baby who is already here and already a huge part of my heart without a mother and without the memories of me, as he's really too young to remember me and all the love I've given him in this last year. Happy thoughts, aren't they?

I was tagged.

Someone tagged me in my comments. She wants me to list 8 things about myself. I'm in a foul mood today, so this should be interesting.

1. I hate Buffalo. I hate living here. I hate where we live. I hate only having one car. The city itself has a scent to it that I'd rather not know and that I'd rather not be associated with. I wish we were back in NYC. I'm not happy here. I don't know if I'll ever be happy here. Perhaps once we're in our own home in a better area things will perk up. Perhaps.

2. I miss my family. I miss the way things used to be. I cry about it. A lot.

3. It drives me nuts when someone calls my son Nate. That's not his name. It's Nathanael. Or Nat. Rhymes with hat. The ONLY person who is allowed to get away with it is my mom, and that's only because she asked if she could call him Nate the Great. So if you read this and you've ever called/ever wanted to call my son Nate - don't. Unless you're my mom.

4. I swear way too much. I swear way too much in front of the baby. I won't be surprised if his first honest-to-goodness word is "shitbag."

5. Sometimes I pretend I don't hear Nathanael when he cries in the middle of the night, just so that I don't have to be the one to tend to him. Hey, I'm pregnant - I need my sleep! And I bet there's not a single mom out there who hasn't done the same thing!

6. Cleaning the toilet makes me dry heave.

7. I worry that getting pregnant again was a huge mistake, for so many reasons.

11 months old

A few days late in posting Nat's 11 month status update. Been too busy vomiting up everything but the kitchen sink...although I think I did see it at one point...and being rehydrated in the hospital. Fun times.

But I digress.

My baby is one month away from turning the big 1.0. I can't even begin to describe the emotions associated with such a big event. Nothing like I ever imagined. My baby isn't a baby anymore, he's asserting his independence more and more, and it's actually breaking my heart. Not big into cuddling so much - hopefully it's a stage - and he gives W and me these looks that would imply he thinks we're crazy.

No walking, no talking. Don't get me started.

The newest thing is pointing. He points at everything. The cute part is that he doesn't point straight, so we really have no idea what he's intending to point to, so we pick the closest object and we tell him what it is. He knows what so many things are yet he's too stubborn to say the words. He's fascinated by people of other races/ethnicities. Awkwardly fascinated. We'll be in a waiting room, for example, and there will be someone of a different race, and he'll immediately pick that person out, crawl over to them, and look up and stare. And stare. Aaaaand stare. It's funny in a non-PC sort of way. He also enjoys the tubing on oxygen tanks.

Not much new from last month. We have his one-year check in about a month. We've decided to withhold the dreaded MMR shot for a couple of years (comments are not necessary, thank you) and are anxious to see how he's grown in the last 3 months and how he's doing according to the doc.

Planning for his first birthday party is nothing short of obsessive and ridiculous. He's my first baby, though, so I find no harm in spoiling him. We won't be able to give him everything he ever wants, but birthdays are special days whether or not he'll remember in 5 or 50 years, so we plan to celebrate big.

Our first year together is drawing to a close. It's bittersweet, really. I'm sad that it has passed by so quickly, but look forward to many more years of being mama to the best baby boy out there. We have this book that I bought but have yet to read to him because it's actually a bit depressing, but the mother in the story sings this to her baby boy - "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." My sentiments exactly. :)

Big Brother

Nat's going to be a big brother. Doctor's appointment next week to confirm the due date, but it's either late April or late May. We've been trying for a few months now, so there's been lots o' sex, a good $50 worth of pregnancy tests, a late and unusual period in there somewhere, followed by this month - dry heaving while attempting to drink a Vitamin Water, a pregnancy test turning up positive, some shock and awe, a second positive test, and a few mornings where vomiting seemed imminent. We're happy, of course, since we were trying, but I can help but feel a twinge of sadness that my baby won't be my baby anymore. Part of the reason we wanted another baby so soon was to (hopefully) bypass any feelings of jealousy and/or being replaced, plus we wanted Nat to have someone close in age. I've heard nothing but good things, though, from parents of children so close in age - I'll have 2 under 2 - so I don't doubt that Nat and this baby - whom we currently refer to as Gumdrop - will be the best of friends. Mommy instinct tells me that this one's a girl.

This blog and my world will continue to revolve around my Nat. I'll throw in the occasional comment about cravings, hemmorhoids, stretch marks, and whatever else I feel so inclined to share with you, my wonderful readers. For now I must depart to rescue my son who is giving off the impression that dark and evil forces are trying to torture him in his crib.

Two under two. What the hell was I thinking? :)

10 months old

Where is the time going? Seriously. I can remember this time last year like it was yesterday. Puking, random trip to Coney Island for a hot dog and ice cream cone, coming home to puke again and then wanting some cheese fries...extra bacon, thank you. My little baby isn't a baby anymore!

No walking and talking yet, but we're pretty darn close. How long have I been saying that for? I don't know. We're cruising along the furniture and walls like a professional, and we're babbling and indicating wants/needs/dislikes...just not with words. Unless "wo wo" counts as a word. I can ask Nat where the following things are, and he looks and will occasionally bring them to me: kitty, dada, book, baby (in the magazines), baba, Bunzy (his beloved rabbit), and block. Now we just need to get him talkin'.

He waves. He has 6 teeth. He crawls faster than an ant on speed. He can stand independently for a few seconds, but lacks the confidence to take those first steps. He can drink out of a sippy cup on his own. He loves his soft monkey blanket. He gets a kick out of seeing his own reflection. He throws temper tantrums like you wouldn't believe in the following situations - diaper changing time, when I won't let him eat cat food, and when he gets a no-no taken away from him. He loves turkey, pancakes, chili, anything spicy, cheese, wheat bread, blueberry bagels, carrots, sweet potatoes, chicken, grilled cheese, veggie burgers, peas, spinach, Cheerios, Earth's Best vanilla cookies, spaghetti w/mama's homemade sauce, and graham cracker ice cream.

He is all boy. Likes to play rough. Also very clingy at times, though. Has a dear, dear heart. Loves to cuddle only with mama at bedtime. A definite daddy's boy at other times. Loves to play on the baby swings at the park. Loves birds and trees. Loves his Rolly Pollies class and the other babies there. Loves to listen to music. Loves to play peekaboo and when mama chases him through the apartment.

He continues to be a happy baby. He plays independently so well, but definitely demands undivided attention. I worry about how he'll react to a sibling.

These 10 months have gone by much too quickly. I look down at him while he's asleep in my arms when we "rock-a-rock" at bedtime, and it brings tears to my eyes to think that he won't want to do that for much longer. While I love to see him develop and accomplish new tasks, I'm also silently willing him to stay a baby for a little longer.

9 months old

I apparently neglected to write an entry when Nat turned 8 months old. Oops. I've recorded it in my journal, though, so all is not lost.

Nat turns 9 months old today. 39 weeks. In 5 days I'll be able to say that he has been out longer than he was in. I'm having a party to celebrate that.

So much has changed/progressed since last I wrote. Nat is completely mobile. Not walking yet, but crawling all over the place. Following me whenever I walk out of sight and crawling to me like a spider on steroids, tugging on my pant leg (because, really, who wants to see me in shorts in 90 degree weather?) because he wants me to pick him up. I can no longer pee and poop in private. He must be there with me, every step of the way - watching and encouraging, being fascinated by the sounds from within the toilet.

He's pulling himself up on things, getting braver and braver by the day - letting go with one hand before the inevitable thump on the floor. He'll "cruise" along the furniture. He flings himself forward onto his belly - launches himself, really. He's creepy-flexible...maybe I have a gymnast on my hands? He's long and lean except for his Michelin Man arms.

He's still trying hard to talk. Nothing I can comprehend yet - oftentimes he'll look at me and say, "ha ha." He's either laughing at me or he enjoys the sound it makes when he breathes out and vocalizies at the same time.

He likes when I put on loud music and we dance around the room. He's partial to oldies and showtunes.

4 teeth are in - two on top and two on the bottom, and one of his canine teeth is ramming its way through with lightning fast speed. Teething is a real bitch! Massive amounts of Aleve and/or Motrin don't seem to do the trick. Nat, on the other hand, does just fine with a nice Tyleon/Orajel cocktail. He becomes very excited when he sees the Tylenol dropper coming his way. I've created a junkie.

I definitely see some of the boy stereotypes in his every day behavior. If his diaper is off he needs to have his hands on his peesh. Always. He loves the remote. He whines if he doesn't get his way. Everything has to get kicked and thrown around - first by his feet, then by his hands. He likes to play rough. He loves when I bop him with a pillow - playfully, of course.

Sleeping is still an issue. He'll have his nights where he's up a few times because he wants to play, leaving him in the greatest of moods the following day. We're getting there, though. Slowly. I have a renewed respect for coffee now.

My baby isn't a baby anymore. He's quickly becoming a little boy and I can see far into the future already - craving independence, first day of school, driving, college, girlfriends and marriage...the latter giving me the biggest head and heartache of all. I can remember the exhasting first few weeks and people with knowing smiles would tell me to cherish his babyhood because it would go by fast. I remember thinking, in my sleep deprived, post-surgical state, that these people were idiots...time doesn't go by quickly, he would be a baby for a long time, and I would never know a decent night of sleep ever again. They were right, though. I can still remember when he was a brand new baby like it was yesterday. I wish I hadn't spent so much time worrying that I was doing things wrong, or fretting because I was so tired. I suppose it's a lesson all new parents learn, though. For now, I'll continue to cuddle during feeding times and relish the quiet moments when he lays his head on my shoulder and nods off to sleep, because they won't be around forever.

7 months old

Where in the world does the time go?

7 months ago right now I was probably just getting cleaned up after my c-section. The hands of 3 nurses washing the blood off of my lower half, and me feeling mortified and a little dosconcerted that I couldn't feel them doing it because I was overly numb from my spinal. Taking my gown off to change me into a fresh one - whipping it off in one swift movement, leaving me lying on the cold steel table, naked, bloody, and high on drugs. Yikes.

Nathanael is in such a great stage right now. Still only has the 2 teeth. Still not crazy about solid foods but will eat a little bit at a time. He constantly babbles, speaking to books, stuffed animals, hairs...you name it. I wish I had a baby babble decoder. He sits up on his own like a pro. Still no crawling, but he's getting there, and it won't be quick enough for him. He tries so hard and gets so frustrated. It's awfully cute. His combination Irish and Italian temper is definitely starting to show itself. He gets angry when I try to feed him when he's had enough - he'll bang on the tray of the high chair and yell. When he's on his mat and is bored, he'll throw his hands up in the air and bring them down in a very dramatic swoop, banging on the floor at the very end. Ah, my little dramatist.

He had/has his first ear infection, and thus an introduction to the dreaded pink stuff - the "bubble gum flavor" liquid amoxicillin. Administering it to him brought back horrid flashbacks from my childhood, and smelling it made me gag. I had an inkling that that's what his issue was, took him to the doctor, and voila, I was right. He also has a bad cold, but it seems to be on its way out.

With the weather (finally) turning warm in Buffalo, we've been spending a lot of time outside. He loves grass. He can't get enough of pulling itout of the ground and rubbing his feet in it. We're going to attempt his baby pool for the first time this afternoon after his nap.

He's just growing up way too fast. I feel sad in thinking that I didn't pay enough attention to the minor details of just being when he was a new new baby. I suppose every first time mom has that feeling, though. We're too tired and too stressed. I just hope he doesn't outgrow his mommy any time soon. I love that I'm the only one who can provide comfort when he needs it. That he can still fall asleep on my chest or in my arms. That he still loves to be rocked, and looks at me with adoring eyes as I sing to him.

Stay a baby a little while longer, Nat. I'm not ready for you to grow up yet!

6 months old

My baby boy turned 6 months old last week. I can hardly believe it. It doesn't seem possible that this time last year I was in misery from being so sick, but so elated at the thought of the little one growing inside of me. I didn't officially know that I was having a boy yet, but I knew. I knew from the beginning. I believe I even asked my OB to note it in the chart on my first appointment. :)

The baby has cut his first tooth - finally! It popped up this past Friday after a looooong, painful few weeks of whining, biting, chewing, drooling, etc. I had a happy babe on my hands for a few days, but I think the second bottom middle tooth is getting ready to sprout because his evil side has started to show itself again. He can sit unsupported. He's crawling. He's still wanting so badly to speak but isn't quite there. He did say "pimp" the other day, though. Hmm.
We're busy with playgroups, swimming, and yoga. We've got a date for the zoo and the playground later this week. We're turning into social butterflies! Everyone at the trendy Central Perk-ish coffee shop here in the neighborhood thinks that he's such a cute baby boy, and of course I have to agree. He'll blow spit bubbles and raspberries at someone if they bend down to say hello to him and then follow up with a huge smile. He loves to be outside on the grass - a "luxury" he didn't know until we moved here. He loves the sound of the birds, he loves to look right up at the sun, likes to look at the trees...not so thrilled with bugs (like his mama), but hey, who can blame him? He's starting to show his temper - definitely asserting the Irish side of his heritage. He'll get mad if you take something away, if he drops something and wants it back, if I don't feed him quickly enough, etc. He loves to sit in his little portable high chair in restaurants when we go out - he loves to show off what a big boy he is. He isn't crazy about riding in his car seat for long periods of time. This was to be expected, though, because he didn't really start riding in a car seat at all until a couple of weeks ago when we bought our car. He'll get used to it. We have our well baby check at the end of the week, so I'll be anxious to see how much he weighs and how he reacts to a male doctor giving him his next round of shots. Mama likes the new pediatrician! *wink wink*

Nathanael is 24 weeks old today. 24 weeks ago right now I was probably still chillin' in the recovery room, still numb/high from my spinal. I saw Nat only very briefly in the operating room. The doctors allowed Will to carry him over to me so that I could kiss his perfect face. I remember he was crying when Will brought him over, and, in my anesthetized state, whispered, "Hi Nathanael. I'm your mama." And he stopped crying. And it was true love from there. Then they whisked him away to do the new baby stuff, and I saw him about an hour later in recovery after I was finished getting my guts put back in place. I attempted to nurse him and succeeded on the first try, but they took him away again pretty quickly so that I could get my rest. I remember not being too happy with the nurses at the hospital - they kept taking him away from me, advised against rooming in so that I could rest, and, when he was badly jaundiced and had lost a pound in the hospital, told me that he needed formula and said, "See, this is what happens when you exclusively breastfeed." And cue the guilt that only mothers can feel. I have no idea why I'm even posting any of this. As you can tell, I'm still a little bitter about it.

We are 99% packed for this bitch of a move. We'll finish tonight, and then tomorrow night, our last night in Brooklyn, we'll likely hit one of our favorite eateries for one last meal here. And then begins the next chapter of our lives. We will be on our way to *gasp* settling down. Even though we're renting for a year, we're moving to the town we will call home.

Oh - and because this move isn't stressful enough, or because God is feeling punchy from packing, too, I am sick. Why I'm still getting ear infections at age 30 (29) is beyond me. Being sick and dealing with an overtired teething 24-week-old baby is not my idea of fun. My doctor has me on Cipro, so I'm expecting a raging yeast infection to crop up any day now. Throw in my period, which, incidentally, has gotten longer and bloodier since giving birth (can you honestly say you gave birth if you had a c-section?), and you have the kind of fun that's comparable to a carnival in hell co-hosted by Al Sharpton and Oprah.

This is so not where I wanted to go with this. But my mind just went blank as I sit here and watch my neutered cat hump his spayed sister. It's like a car accident - you know you should just continue on your way but you can't...help....looking.

Nathanael is close to sitting up on his own. He still ends up folding himself in half like a creepy contortionist, but he can hold his body upright for a minute or so at a time. He's teething and it's quite obviously causing him a great deal of discomfort - he stopped wolfing down solid food, he's rash-y, he's SO whiny, and he's lost interest in being social. So of course I think he's autistic, but our pediatrician is assuring us that these are classic signs of teething. I don't believe her. I don't even think she's a real doctor.

Nathanael is awake. I better turn Halloween 4 off before he gets ideas planted in his head.

Am I doing something wrong?

Mother of the year I am not. My son is bored with me. He's bored with his toys. He can't sit up on his own yet, even though many babies who are just a few days older than him have been doing it for a couple of weeks now. I worry that I'm not providing enough stimulation for him. I've run out of ideas on how to interact with him. Is this something to worry about? He shows no interest in playing with toys. Being his primary caregiver is an incredibly stressful job. I didn't think it would be so hard this early on. I feel like everything falls on my shoulders.

He has entered a clingy phase, whining every time I leave the room. That one doesn't bother me so much - I feel flattered, in fact. He's begun sleeping on his stomach, however at times will bury his face in the mattress and not move it. We've been staying up until ungodly hours to ensure that he does, in fact, remain breathing. We're exhausted.

We're seeing a pediatric ophthalmologist tomorrow. We were initially told on 3/16 that he had conjunctivitis. Two weeks and two different antibiotics later, the doctor changed her mind and told us that he has a clogged tear duct. I'm thrilled that I pumped my son full of antibiotics for nothing. Yet another oversight by this pediatrician. Several days ago he begin blinking like it was hurting him to look at things, so we were referred to a specialist. I can't wait to meet the man who thinks he's going to examine my son's eyes....my son who sees fit to wiggle all over the place whenever placed on his back. Good luck, doc.

We're making a huge move next week. Across the state. Into yet another apartment, but as God as my witness this will be the last apartment.

I'm worried about my baby. I'm worried that there's something going on or not going on that's causing him to have this lack of interest in most things play. I hate that I get the pleasure of bearing this burden alone. I hate that my only real outlet to vent is in this blog or to the message board I've belonged to since I found out I was pregnant.

And now I must go, as he is face down on the floor and probably ingesting cat hair.

Almost a year since I posted last!

Since last I posted, I have, quite obviously, given birth. I had my son on Halloween - oh what fun birthday parties we'll have! My pregnancy was horrid - hyperemis gravardium (severe 24/7 morning sickness), twice-daily heparin injections (thank you, blood clotting disorder), horrible pain from a uterine abnormality (so horrible, in fact, that I spent the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy doped up on Percocet), only to have in end with a c-section....but the result was amazing. Needless to say, then, keeping this blog updated on the progress of my pregnancy was so far down on my lsit of priorities that I forgot all about it until today. I have this incredible angel baby boy in my life now, and I LOVE being a mom. I get frustrated like I never have been before when he won't sleep (and sometimes I growl at him in frustration, but he just laughs at me). But through the frustration I try to imagine what life was like before him and I can't. And I don't want to. I love this life. I love this privlege I have of being a mother. I feel like I've joined a secret society, where only a special, selected few can revel in what they experienced and are experiencing and will experience. There is no greater role in life than mother.

We're making a HUGE move in about 2 1/2 weeks. Finally settling down. Not in a house yet, but hopefully next year. We'll be a lot closer to my family, and I love that the baby will get to know his Gran and Grandpa and Auntie A.

The babe turned 5 months old 3 days ago. I can't believe it. He's huge, and incredibly brilliant, of course. SO much fun. He looks at you while you're talking to him like he's trying hard to understand what you're saying, but becomes very upset when he realizes that I can't understand him. He's so impatient, just like his mama. His laugh is infectious. His smile warms your heart. He has an incredibly mischievious air about him, and I have a feeling he's going to give me a run for my money as he grows older. He's just now starting to sleep through the night. He eats solid foods once or twice a day and there isn't anything he won't eat. He tries so hard to walk when we stand him up, but shows no desire to crawl. He wants to sit up on his own, and is beginning to learn what's involved, but hasn't quite mastered it yet. He has me wrapped around his little finger and he knows it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

We need lots of stuff

But we lack the funds. Who wants to throw me a baby shower? Anyone? Anyone? I even started a registry although I know there's no point. How pathetic, but it's fun to dream.